i'm just beautiful

2006-12-03T05:16:00.000-08:00

=) thanks Daddy.

the things You would do to put a smile on my face. (: woww You're really awesome.

how You've brought me places is really through Divine Favour. thank You for placing me in the Camp Comm, Games Comm.

(: it's like You really know how much all this means to me.

even the simplest thing, like knowing i would be super bored with nothing to do these two weeks before camp, and just like *snap* that, You've placed me into the comittee.

and now, i've got tonnes of things to do, and it's all things that i really enjoy doing! (: and i didn't even have to ask.

thank You Daddy. i really appreciate all that You've done for me, all that You're going to continue doing. (:

lovemany,
Himesama.

2006-12-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

day by day and hour by hour
your love for me from heaven flows
like springs of water in the desert
living waters flow

you walk beside me
gently guiding
leading me through every storm
ever lasting, never changing
grace and love divine

mercy's healing
grace revealing
every spot and every stain
forgiven freely
no more guilty
love has conquered shame

the broken mended
night has ended
the lost and lonely
lost no more

for i am carried
in the arms
of grace and love divine

i am carried in the arms
of grace and love divine
i am held by hands of healing
washed by waters pure
lifting up my heavy heart
held in grace scarred hands
i am carried in the arms
of grace and love divine

never worthy, never earning
all my works no left behind
ever onward, ever upward
you've called me on to rise

above my darkness
all my failure
every fear and every pain
always carried
always covered by grace and love divine

i am carried in the arms
of grace and love divine
i am held by hands of healing
washed by waters pure
lifting up my heavy heart
held in grace scarred hands
i am carried in the arms
of grace and love divine

i'm carried in the arms of grace and love divine

i love how my cg broke the sound barrier last night(: but what excites me even more is that, it's just the beginning and there is so much more ahead. (: so much more.

=) in fact, the youth ministry itself is taking leaps and bounds.

we as youths shouldn't be letting the pastors and leaders be excited on our behalf, because how weird is it to have someone be excited for you?

it's shortchanging yourself, like the example i shared with nic and jason on the way home.

if it's my birthday and i'm gonna have a party, and nic is more excited about the party than i am about my birthday, he'd find the day even more enjoyable than i did even though it was MY birthday and not his.

youths, arise, for now is the time(: rise up rise up.

2006-11-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

(: sweet Jesus, my Vindicator.

so people can say that i'm irresponsible, that i don't do my work, that i sit there all day doing nothing, that i've got no initiative. (:

and yes, my colleagues can get pissed off on my behalf.

and yes, i do understand why they feel the need for me to fight for my rights, for me to push and shove until people finally agree that i wasn't in the wrong.

and yeah, i'm touched. cos it's amazing how Favour just found me wherever i was, where people whom i don't even know that well would give so much to fight for me, would feel sad that i was leaving.

(: it was an awesome experience for me to go through, mostly because i saw in such a real way how my DADDY is my Vindicator.

i've learnt how i have no need to actually fight for myself. that who cares what people think of me because the One thing that matters is what the Sweetest Almighty God, my Father, thinks of me. (:

=) what can i say?

vindicated.

2006-11-19T02:48:00.000-08:00

please don't talk to me as if you know everything.

because you very well don't.

2006-11-11T06:41:00.000-08:00

woww.

i was left speechless when i heard the song. i didn't know how to react. i was in shock.

"how could it be?"
"i don't understand.."
"omg it can't be. did i hear correctly?"

it was the same song. same tune. same words. same chords.

"all i want is in You, all i want is in You.."

i looked up with questioning eyes.

"how could it be, Lord? how could it be?"

and then He said, "hey(: I'm your God as much as i am His(: "

yeayy. i surrender to You, Lord. all that i am, all that i have i give it to You. in Your presence i dwell, all that i am, all that i have it is in You.

2006-11-07T06:48:00.000-08:00

fascinated by your beauty
captivated by your love
intoxicated by your glory
forever will not be enough

saturated in Your mercy
liberated by Your grace
concecrated to be holy
forever i will seek Your face

(: You are worthy my Sweetest.
and so are you My princess.

so this is our duet. (: which we will sing together for eternity.

leave me speechless Dearie.
i need You.

2006-11-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

(: reading your entry didn't make me as sad as it would have on any normal day, my dear cherri, and i thank you for that post, actually.

go, go if you really want to.
go.
i'd push you there if i have to.
and it's only my flesh holding on.
cos in the end, i know it's just my flesh hoding back the greater things in store for us.

(: so yes.

go. because you want to.
because you need to.
because i need you to.

because then i can take your place, as who you were to me, and who you were to the people, and i can and i shall start a new work.

so go.

though i'll miss you and i'll miss how it used to be, how you always had time for me and me and me.

though i'll miss the times where i could be selfish and make you walk home with me just because i felt like it.

though tears may fall and my flesh will find it hard, but deep within we know we're soaring, we know we've got nothing to hold us back from all that's ahead.

so just go. (: and i'll be fine. no, really, i'll be fine.

yes, our friendship can withstand the test of time. (: because we all go back to one best friend who's forever the same.

(: now go. and don't look back. (:

i love you suika. now go, and bless many more people. (:
because Jesus can.

2006-10-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

thanks Daddy Poo.

You taught them all i never could through pastor Lian. (: all that i've never been able to express in words, all that i've felt about praise and worship.

all of it, You put them in understandable bite-sized pieces of bread for these little precious ones. (:

You love them more than i do. always have, always will. thank You for taking the ultimate good care of them.

praise and worship is escalating to higher levels. a level that it has never reached before.

a level that was reserved especially for the benjamin generation.

a level that was reserved especially for us.

a level that was especially reserved for Take Flight.

a level that was especially reserved for Himechan Amandyy.

because Jesus loves me. (:

and i love You too.

2006-10-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

it is frustrating when they don't take it seriously, when they don't give weight to it just because they've not known (caught) the importance of it or the full revelation of it (okay not that i have but).

just because you aren't a psalmist doesn't mean that you should give less weight to worship. it's a damn powerful weapon and you're just depriving yourself.

and you, i know what you're gonna say. but don't say it. because it's not about my willingness to teach or impart.

it's about their willingness to want to learn, to want to catch. i can't and definitely have no right to force it down their thick throats or through their thick skulls.

it's true and you know it. all the times i've shared about worship, all the times i've told them, tried explaining to them. worship isn't just a time to sing songs.

and ALL the times they've just said "yah i know" or "yah lah". you know they're just not willing.

sorry for the lack of better words for my decription but that's just how i feel right now and if you don't like what i type don't read it.

other people don't make light the ushers carrying chairs, we don't take lightly the preperation of the preacher before a sermon.

SO WHY MUST IT BE THAT EVERYONE MAKES LIGHT (MAKES SO SO SO SO LIGHT) OF WORSHIP?!

you don't have to be called as a psalmist to appreciate worship.

i seriously DON'T get how people can just say "oh no time then don't worship loh".

what's that? WHAT'S THAT YOU TELL ME!

yeah i'm super sorry for the language but it's fucking irritating. i mean, do we say to the ushers, "ehh why move the chair move so slow?".

or do we say to the logistics people, "oi why the amps like more to one side?"

or to the video people, "wah lao can take better anot?"

and what makes the worshippers so different? what makes us any less?

yes, worship is pleasure and it isn't for anyone else but yourself and God.

but it saddens one's heart SO MUCH when a weapon is GIVEN right into the hands of the people, and a very powerful one at that i might add, and they just throw it to a corner and are not even willing to learn to use it.

oh well.

forget about it alright? =) they will be ready one day.

and one last thing. PLEASE STOP FUCKING SINGING PARTS IF YOU CAN'T BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING IRRITATING AND IT'S JUST FUCKING OUT OF TUNE.

you cannot sing parts just because you think you can sing parts. vocal lessons does NOT equals to learning to sing in parts. ALTO PARTS.

stop being so disgusting.

omg.

2006-10-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

NONE SHALL TOUCH THE LORD'S ANOINTED.

NGEE ANN ANOINTED.

NEAR.

NGEE ANN 'B'.

SP CAREGROUP.

POLY CLUSTER.

CAMPUS MINISTRY.

CHOIR.

FAMILY.

NO EVIL SHALL BEFALL US, NO HARM CAN COME NEAR OUR DWELLING PLACE.

NO, NONE SHALL TOUCH THE LORD'S ANOINTED.
NONE.

deal with His anointeds, and deal with God Himself.

=) nothing but the Blood.

2006-09-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

yah, thanks. thanks a whole lot.

so new friends come and old friends go right? so why do I always have to be the old friend?

am i worth that little?

Daddy is know this is dumb. but it hurts okay. and maybe i just wanna be a little spoilt bitch again, throwing her tantrums at everything and anything that didn't go her way.

am i only worth the concern when something goes wrong in my life? am i only worth the trouble when tears start to fall like tsunami rains and i break my fingers abusing the wall?

then, am i really your friend at all?

so, new friends come and old friends go right?

.. right...?

2006-09-04T06:52:00.000-07:00

so i'm really apologetic for being so irritated and frustrated for reading something that i maybe shouldn't even have bothered reading.

yes, you're right. i AM happy that the cg has split, because then YES i won't be in the same cg as you anymore.

yes, you're right. you don't and WILL NEVER understand why we cry because you don't have what we have.

yes, you're right. you are in no position to say anything about us crying.

yes, you're right, you're always right, you always HAVE to be right.

but let me just say this.
you're not the only one tired all the time.
you're not the only one who gets sick.
you're not the only one who can't make it to join outings sometimes.

sorry to blatantly mention this here but so many times you just don't want to come. we all know that. we all know that plainly.

people do MAKE efforts to come down, and they come down because they really sincerely want to.

sometimes we don't know why CERTAIN people come. for attention, maybe? well i can't say for sure.

so i'm sorry that we cried. and i'm sorry that we're that close. and i'm sorry that we just love each other so much and are so precious to each other.

but like what i told my precious darlings, it doesn't matter, and we don't give a SHIT about who understands how we felt. and hey, nobody needs to.

because our Jesus understands perfectly, and He comforts us perfectly. and yes, i don't care, but He loves us the most.

yeahh, so i'm SO sorry if once again this is all my fault, that i'm the one being over sensitive, i'm the one who isn't trying hard enough to understand you, to be nice to you, to love you.

but well, too bad.
no, i really mean that.

TOO BAD.

you make me so tired of being nice to you. i can't even try to love you anymore. and that's scary.

it scares me.

i am pissed off now, really really pissed off.

2006-08-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i scare myself. it's like i'm so cold, so void of emotion, so empty. so empty of love.

Otosan, doshite desuka? chigai masu, goku chigai masu. wakarimasen, Otosan. yoku arimasen. ashita wa otenki deshoka?

=( Otosan, tetsudatte! tetsudatte kudasai. kudasai..?

on a side note, how do i pop my vein back to the right position? it popped out while i was abusing the wall...

when will i stop being stupid?
when will i learn?
when will it stop being my fault?

yes i know i sound like a fucking bitch. but that's too bad for you. i never asked you to read this.

all things work out beautifully in their time you know. i know you know. you always tell me that.

so why are you forcing me to do something that i'm not yet ready to do?

you know i love her. alot.

but i can't force myself to bring forth my fruit in the wrong season. right season wrong fruit, useless. wrong season right fruit, still useless.

i'm just not ready if you can't plainly see. i just need time.

you cannot force me to love and accept someone just because you want it that way. because then i wouldn't be loving that person for who she is.

i hope you understand.

and seriously, i have no idea why i can't say this to your face.

i guess it does hurt.

2006-08-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

like, pardon me for the crudeness, but i need an outlet. i do, however, advise you not to read this if you want to keep your unpolluted mind all fresh and bubbly and innocent as shit.

hello there. if you've already made up your mind that i'm the one who did that, why the hell do you even bother to ask me if i'm the one?

cos then no matter what i say, it wouldn't change your point of view. so what's the use?

"manda did you do this?"
"no.."
"i tell you ah, you better stop you know. it's so disgusting and BLAH BLAH BLAH SHIT CRAP."

oh like how useful is that right? hello, do you understand what NO means? i choose to believe, as much as you could never do well in school, that your english isn't THAT bad.

and excuse me. who are you to think that i never do what you just said? omg when will you ever stop assuming? it pisses me to the core.

please, don't think that you know it all and have it all together. i mean, who am i to you, and what exactly do i mean to you if you can never think better of me?

this sucks! it sucks! you suck too! oh woww!

and yes!! you you you, Mr. Teo. omg what is wrong with you? yes, like mayi says, this is really getting double-you-tee-eff.

i mean, excuse me? was it my fault that i was at the dinner table too? and correct me if i'm wrong, but i never mentioned a word when i was there.

oh yes, i did. yeah, i asked you if you were okay. so thanks alot, Mr. Teo, i really appreciate your lovingkindness towards me.

you want to be immature? you want to be a bastard? you want to be al eff-ed up? you want to play games with me, with us?

i'm telling you, if you continue hurting my friends that way you did that wednesday and thursday, i don't give a bloody two three or four hoots how much older you are than me.

i'll slap you till your bloody cheeks cave in. don't think you can take advantage of them just because they don't want to tell you the truth straight up cos they don't wanna hurt your feelings.

because if this continues for much longer, i'm going to be the one to tell you straight in your shit ass face.

and trust me, i can make you cry, and i WILL make you cry.

ook. life's too short to waste in all this shit, if you've not realised by now. stop being such a dumb shit. you're the only one at loss here.

and fine, end the friendship. that's fine by me.

because you're not worth it.

2006-08-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

Daddy. i want to be that teachable, humble Bok that i once was. i want to be the Bok who was so open to correction, who was never full of herself, who knew she needed help and guidance. i want to be the Bok who knew no sadness, who laughed her day away, who was constantly brimming with joy. i want to be the Bok who smiles and means it, who loves and shows it, who cares and makes it known. i want to be the Bok who loves with Your love, who is humble because You lift her head high, who is teachable because she is taught of the Lord. i want to be the Bok who was constantly conscious of Love. i want to be the Bok, the Bok whose breath was taken away by You, every single day. i want to be the Bok who sings, sings to You, for You, from the bottom of her heart. i want to be the Bok with influence because You influence her. i want to be the Bok who sang because her heart was full and not because she needed to.

i want Daddy, but i can't find her. where is she? =( help me find her, Daddy, because i want her back.

='( oh Daddy.

i want to be the Bok who had emotions, who could feel, whose heart was full and not empty, who knew her standing and Christ and knew she was not useless.

oh Daddy, bring her back. i don't know what to do anymore, but i know i must stop pretending.

* diana, if you ever read this, thanks for hearing me cry today. i love you.

2006-07-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

"if i were her, i wouldn't do this"

i was really hurt when i knew you said that about me, and i wanted to cry right then and there in the coffeeshop.

why do you think of me like that? it hurts, you know.

am i wrong to encourage a brother by sending him a bible verse?
am i wrong to want to joke about five birds?
am i wrong to let him shop with me?
am i wrong to accept his phone call?
am i wrong to let him tag my blog?
am i wrong leave a comment on his blog?
am i wrong to ask him for help?

so if you think i'm so wrong, then why don't you just tell me straight in my face? i'd rather you did that than avoid me, really.

i have nothing to hide, neither did i hide anything from you, so why are you hiding from me?

you know, as hurt as i am, i'm just about ready to leave this all behind and move on. and you? i just don't want you to be left behind.

but if you keep avoiding me, nothing's gonna change, and nothing's going to get better.

oh, and one thing you must know. i never blamed you for being emotional, for blaming me. and i still love you just as much.

and no, i'm not saying this so that everyone will think i'm a saint, cos who cares what everyone thinks anyway. i just wanted you to know.

so, i've said all i need to. (:

and tomorrow, i will give you a hug if i see you. Jesus loves me.

2006-07-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

you are getting on my nerves. yes, you, and everything that you do.

did you know, that if you are tired, you can just open your shit fuck mouth and say that you're tired.

did you know, that if you want to go home early for dinner, you can open your shit fuck mouth and say so.

did you know, that you want to go home first because you feel bad, you can open your shit fuck mouth and tell me.

did you know, that if you don't want to shop anymore, you can open your shit fuck mouth and tell us that you want to go home.

did you know, that i don't know who you are anymore, and did you know that maybe i don't even care, or maybe i don't want to?

okay i am just really frustrated. sometimes i really just don't want to talk to you, don't want to see your stupid black face all the time, don't want to let myself be in a bad mood because i see your fucking black face.

stop excluding yourself.
stop wallowing in self pity.
stop thinking everyone has to know what you think.
stop feeling sorry for yourself.

because noone is excluding you.
because noone will pity you.
because noone cares what you think.
because noone will feel sorry for you.

STOP BEING SO FUCKING PATHETIC. or i'll pour a shitload of shit on you.

I THINK

2006-06-08T00:57:00.000-07:00

- i think that people should just stick to being who they are and not try to be oher things all at once.

- i think if you complain so damn much about everything then you should just eat shit and go and die, cos maybe you'd have alot less to complain about in heaven. oh but if you go to hell then well too bad.

- stop fucking wallowing in self pity cos it just makes you look stupid. and it makes your own life miserable. if help's right in your stupid face, just freakin' accept it.

- don't say something that you do is really good just because you think so or just because noone else says it's not good. they just don't wanna hurt your feelings. sometimes, you should really know that you suck shit.

- i really can't believe how some people who totally cannot sing still think they can sing as well as a tweety little friggin' bird.

- oh and by the way. if you can't fucking harmonise, THEN DON'T. you're just making a friggin' fool outta yourself.

- just how immature can some people get. seriously, i don't even get what you laugh at. and no i don't even think it's the least bit funny.

okay so i'm complaining now. but if you're not happy then you can very well fuck off.

2006-04-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really get so numb. and i just don't know how to feel anymore. you will always say the same things over and over, until that wound in my heart just continues getting deeper and deeper.

i guess someday it will get so deep.. time doesn't heal all things man. time can't heal this.

all the nights that i've cried myself to sleep. all the tears. it's exhuasting to cry so hard you know. but what else can i do.

you've never given my much of a choice. everything has to be your way before you'll be happy. why can't you see things from my point of view?

it's always gotta be the way YOU like. it's always about you. what about me? i'm human too, and i have feelings too. i have emotions, i'm real.

useless asshole? is that all i really am to you? will i never be good enough? will you never be happy with me? when will you stop believing and always seeing the worst in me?

not seeing something doesn't mean that something isn't working out. just because you don't see doesn't mean it isn't happening.

just because it isn't happening your way doens't mean it won't be good. i'm trying, if you would look the other way. but no, it's always your way. it's always about you.

yes, i hurt. almost all the time i cry myself to sleep is because of you, what you say, to me, about me. of course i hurt. who doesn't.

your words cut. they cut deep. deeper than you think. deeper than you'd ever imagine. sometimes you really make me believe that i'm nothing but a useless asshole.

you make me feel so ugly, so lousy, so bad, so horrible, so disgusting, so unworthy.. everything not good.

how do i talk to you, when everytime i try to start, you cut me in and start your lectures, your nagging, your scolding. don't deny it. just think. it's true. you never listen.

why? is it cos i'm not worth it? cos so many times you really make me think so. you really convince me that i'm not worth your while, that i'm just wasting your time. that i'm really just a pain in your ass.

yeah, a pain in your big fat ass. but what do i do? what can i do? i can't fight back. i can't retaliate. you will always be right and i will always be wrong and that's just how it is because you're older.

yes, i know i'm wrong alot. i know i make one too many mistakes. but these mistakes, i'm aware. i know, and i want to change.

but how to, if you never give me the chance? i can't just change like that you know. people don't just change overnight.

so yeah, whatever. shawn's right. i don't ever want to have kids like me.

but then again. i don't ever want to be a mom like you, ma. not ever.

2006-03-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

yes, i am updating here because i know you'll never come here, so you'll never read this.

i don't want you to get to read this because i know you'll get pissed off with me. it's not the first time. i KNOW you WILL get pissed with me.

and i don't want that to happen because i just need to vent my frustrations of you. and after venting i will forget it and life will go on.

i will forget but you won't, so it's best if you never get to read this. anyways let me get on with why you fucking piss me off so bad.

sometimes (oh wow look at me i'm being so kind) you are just so fucking irresponsible, i have no idea why i am still your friend. i have absolutely NO idea why i still love you so you better get down on your knees and thank Almighty God.

honey, it's WORK. people PAY us for what we do and you still can be LATE and even LAUGH about. i wonder sometimes, do you even feel bad at all?

do you even THINK that you are in the wrong? like hello, what the fuck is your problem here! WORK. we don't get PAID for being late. it's plain fucking irresponsible.

and all you can do, no, let me say, all you WILL do, is smile and laugh. "hehe.. sorryyy.." yes. sorry. do you even MEAN that. i'm starting to even doubt anything that you even say.

just when will you ever ever ever learn to have the least bit of responsibility? WHEN. i want you to learn because i don't want you to suffer when you go out to work next time.

i'm not trying to boast that i'm gracious, but seriously not everyone is like me. not everyone will hide their anger and frustrations JUST FOR YOU.

sometimes i wonder. WHY do i even hide it in the first place. why shouldn't i give you a taste of your own medicine? why? is it really because i'm stupid, as some people tell me?

why can't you do something so simple as to inform someone if you can't make it to meet them? i mean, it's just a simple sms pls.

i'm not even like demandind for reasons. just tell me you can't make it so that i can like go home or go and meet other friends or something.

yes, it's that simple. one sms can save SO MUCH of someone else's time. what's your handphone for if you don't even use it. hell, you don't even answer calls or reply smses when it's most needed.

omg. what is wrong with you? seriously. you have issues. i know i'm not the most responsible person in the world. but hello! i do try! at least i inform people if i'm going to be late. at least if i can't make it i'll inform the person whom i was supposed to meet.

and then so slow for what. think the whole entire fucking world got so much to wait for you? you think you who sia? fuck you man. get ready need so long ah. fuck you. need so long then you better wake up earlier and prepare okay.

have SOME responsibility pls omg. seriously. how old already. fuck it man. when will you EVER ever ever get ANY sense at all into that fuckin thick skull of yours!

you want to go out with people, you want to come people's house, WAHH must wait for people to INVITE you down somemore. what. got mouth dunno how to ask?

then your mouth for what sia. talk so loud laugh so loud. can you use it properly.

and pls. leading worship is not a small matter okay. the reason why worship leaders put effort into it, why the choir puts effort into it, is because it is IMPORTANT.

NEVER underestimate worship okay. hello. it's not just something that we always do before the preaching starts. do you even KNOW the significance of it. do you even know the significance of SERVING.

sometimes when you tell me you want to serve i'm quite scared for you. yes, i know, grace grace, BUT serving requires responsibility from you. it requires commitment from you.

can you even commit. i know you don't have responsibility. but can you commit. that would at least be a start.

you screwed up the entire worship session you know. i mean, i'm sorry and i know that i myself didn't do that good a job also, but at least i put in the effort you know.

do you know how much effort others put in? because they KNOW that what they're doing is unto the Lord you know. they KNOW that it is important.

you never even prepare you know. it's not larry's fault leh. you didn't even tell him what songs you want, how was he to know. i tried to help, but you wouldn't listen. so how?

i'm sorry but all i can do is just sit there and watch you waste it all lor. i mean, you were chosen to do it.. i can't just snatch everything and say i do it.. you are the chosen WL and i have to respect that.

you see! sometimes, many times in fact, it's not always solely about you. i really want you to learn leh, because it will benefit you!

you need to know that yes, sometimes everyone needs to let down their hair and go crazy and forget all responsibilities and rules and everything.

but dearie. responsibility is such a vital part of life, serving or not! what's important in friendship?

i tell you, yes i know love and care and concern and being able to click and everything, that's really really important. i don't disagree with that. but part of friendship is also responsibility you know.

being able to keep your word, being able to do what you say and say what you do. i mean, yes i'm sorry i have to vent it out here.. but you never know this might also benefit someone else who happens to browse through..

and i'm not blaming you. yes i sounded pissed and everything. i was very much pissed of, in fact. but dearie i really want you to know that you have to learn.

see, even the world knows. with great power comes great responsibility. if you want power, if you want authority, you need to be responsible. look at all the leaders, whehter in church or not.

lee kuan yew, goh chok tong, all our pastors and deacons and coaches and even our cgls leh. they are, each and everyone of them, responsible.

i'm not forcing you to change overnight. i might complain, but i still love and accept you the way that you are.

but i pray, for you and with you, that you will learn with time. ask Daddy to teach you leh, personally. He will come down to your level know. He will never force things to you if you are not yet capable.

look. i'm sorry for swearing, and i'm sorry for using such a harsh tone. but i needed to get it across to you. it's vital that you learn. really. all that i've said, it's all for your own good leh dearie.

i may not have expressed it or put it across in the nicest way, it very well might not have even been in the correct way, but deep down it's because i love you one.

and i really want you to learn to be responsible not just so that i will have it easier on MY side. no, dear, not just because of me.

but for everyone around you. learn, learn because you love and because you want to be a better friend, sister, daughter to those around you. learn, not because you want to show off but because you really want to grow in knowledge.

learn, so that you can be a good testimony, a glorious shining light to the world, that they may see the Jesus in you always.

and yes, i may have been harsh, but you know i love you and always will, but not in and out of myself. i love you with the love of Christ.

i know that if i love you out of my own love i will surely fail you. SURELY. like the bao jia D24 durian. confirm i will fail.

that's why i don't want to love you just like that. you are too precious. really. i want to love you with the love of Jesus. i want the Jesus in me to love you.

you see, out of this, i also need to learn. i need to learn how to not be so harsh. i must learn to not let my feelings and emotions get the better of me.

there are MANY things i have to learn, and i really pray that we can learn and grow together.

i am so excited to see the growth in you because i know what a great woman of God you can be. you are called, truly. i don't say it just because i know that generally everyone is called by God.

but truly, dear, you ARE called. a special calling that noone else can walk out but you. YOU, because it's YOUR special calling. noone can do what you are called to do better than you yourself.

but before you can be able to do what you are called to do, before i can do what i am called to do, we must all learn, we must all grow.

that's why i want you to learn responsibility, punctuality. that's why i must learn to love, i must learn to control myself. and i want to, so that i'd be even more of a testimony, more of a figure that people can learn and draw from.

okay? anyways i just needed to vent it out first before i see you later so that i won't blow my top at you. if you ever read this i hope you understand.

i have alot of areas i need to grow in as well. and i really hope we can learn and grow together, even make mistakes together and point out to each other, helping one another along the way.

because you're precious, ding, you're really precious to me.

Daddy loves you.

bok.

2006-02-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

well, CIP is coming to an end already.. (which also means that term break is fast approaching!!!) anyways, just a lil' update. ((:

i have to say that indeed, CIP didn't really turn out to be what i expected. in a good way lah. as in, i really thought that it would be a really draggy and boring module.

cos i was thinking, we've all been using Microsoft Powerpoint and Microsoft Word for so long, what's there to learn about it? i thought i knew everything.. HAHA. i was so wrong.

CIP's thought me so much more. i seriously never knew Microsoft Powepoint and Microsoft Word could be so useful. (: all the small little details we learnt can really make your work look so much more impressive. (:

wells, i think that whatever that was covered in CIP was very relevant and appropriate. it may seem simple, but it's actually all the stuff that we're gonna need to use when we go out to work next time. (:

moving on, i find that whatever's been done in the workshops are really useful. as i've mentioned before, the tutors are really helpful, and you learn so much more hands-on and practical skills in there as compared to the lectures.

i mean, not that the lectures aren't effective. but it's just that you get to do it hands-on in the workshop, so it kinda drills the whole thing into your brain. cos sometimes, listening about it just isn't enough. (: you have to really do the thing to understand.

and i can really say that the module as a whole has helped to improve me. (: i used to be such a computer idiot, but now i know my own laptop alot better. ((: HAHAH we really like each other.

okayys, now to talk about the PBLs. (: well i found that they were super useful. SUPER. (: really. because, we not only learnt more and discovered more about Microsoft Powerpoint and Microsoft Word, but we also learnt how to have more in depth searches for information online.

when to use "or", when to use "and".. and i seriously never knew that "*" could be added, and brackets too. (: but all these really can refine one's search.

actually i think the most valuable thing that i've learnt through PBL is how to communicate, cooperate and work well with all sorts of different people. how to be an effective work team.

it has also helped me learn how to cope with heavy workloads and tight schedules. how to plan and properly manage my time, how to prioritise, and most importantly, how to value people, one of the most precious resources the earth contains.

well, i just wanna really say a big THANK YOU to all the CIP tutors and lecturers. really, all of you have been such a great help to all of us. (: lectures have been conducted in such detail, that you actually cared enough to go through every single small step with us.

workshops have been extremely useful. tutors are so friendly, caring and approachable. (: i love my tutor! she never makes you feel condemned or anything if you ask her even the silliest questions. (: and i really really appreciate all the effort that you all have put in. (: THANK YOU!!!

however, i kind of feel that it would be better if the class size was smaller. there would be more interaction between the students and tutor, less of a gap. students would then find the tutor more approachable if faced with any problems in assignments.

all in all, i'm glad that i've had the chance to take the module CIP. it has taught me more than what there is to learn in books. (:

however, if i could change one thing (or maybe two!) i'd definitely want a smaller class. maybe just cut it down to one tutorial group. and also, more time to do the macromedia assignment.

because the weightage is quite heavy, so most students will want to do really well for it. thus, they spend ALOT of time on it, and in that short span of time given, it would mean that they really neglect some other subjects or the like.

giving us more time to complete the assignment would also give us the chance to learn more because it would allow us to fiddle about more with the programme.

but whatever it is, i'm just glad that i've learnt what i;ve learnt in this module. it has really benefitted me, and i'm really grateful to all the lecturers and tutors! (:

2006-01-25T03:21:00.000-08:00

yayy our tutor Mrs. Lee Bin Swan rocks lah!! ((: she let us have the day off today, so that we'd have more time to study for our papers. ((: awww!!

how sweet of her can! (: she's like the most "hip" (hahah according to jieshan) tutor of all. ((: heehee!

ehh 3 hours is alot you know. can study so much in just 3 hours k. we might just spot something we never spotten before, and that could mean the difference between pass or fail, A or AD.

=) heehee.

2006-01-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

we had our CIP common test yesterday. must say it was quite alot easier than i'd imagined. but there was still quite abit of stuff that seriously slipped my mind.

i was quite pissed off lah, cos i really did remember reading some stuffs, but when i saw the paper i was just like, omg! and my mind just went blank. yeah, like wow right. oh wells.

guess i screwed up the yahoo and other search engines question.. and for the ISP question, i couldn't remember anything! so i only wrote down seven things to look out for, and out of that seven i don't know how many are actually really correct.

as for RAM, i freakin' couldn't even remember that it was called Random Access Memory lah pls! and i answered the question with what, two sentences.. arghh.

the rest wasn't that bad lah. at least i could crap my way through the OS and Application Software question.. thank God i was the one who was in charge of doing software for the last PBL. (:

so yeah, i guess CIP's really useful lah. i mean, it's good to know all these computer terms like the back of your hand.

imagine going to work and not knowing. what if your boss asks you like, which computer you think is better so the company can purchase it.. then you didn't know anything, like bigger RAM is better or which OS is more stable and stuff like that.

i mean, what kind of impression would your superiors have of you?

rights then.. (: think you get my point lah. heh. so! i'm ready to start with PBL2. ((: bring it on man. ((:

hello world
here comes Princess Me.

2005-12-20T08:25:00.000-08:00

hahaha i was forced by rayner to do this!!! LAUGHS!!!

OKAY. I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. RAYNER HO WEI MING IS THE BESTEST BEST BUDDY THAT ANYONE CAN HAVE!!! ((: he changed his IS rankings just for me. ((: THANKS LAH BUDDY!!!

rayner rocks lah!!! =D

2005-12-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

school's been cool lately. i've just been so drained for no apparent reason. oh wells. guess it's just a phase.

well, for today, i was late for cip lecture lahh. oops. heyy it wasn't exactly my fault k! cos i left the house early, but had to wait for the silly bus for the longest time ever. pls, like really. ughh.

anyhow. actually i always find cip lectures really useful. that's cos the lecturers really take the time to actually go through every little detail with us. i find that extremely helpful, because seriously, i am such a computer idiot.

hehh. yeah frankly, it's useful cos if you just print the notes then not many people will read it through until like, maybe two days before common tests.

i mean, then it all defeats the purpose right! cos then after the tests, we'd just forget all the information.

but if the lecturers go through everything with us step by step, it's sorta like, drilled into our brains, so instead of memorising and vomitting out the info, we can apply the info! which is actually the purpose of it all.

hehhehh.. (: and tutorials are super useful too. cos we're then made to do the examples, step by step as well. [of course it's a different story if you already know how to do lahh.]

so why it's useful is because anytime we're unsure we can just raise our hands and ask the tutor, who in my case is so sweet and helpful. ((: she's so cute!! haha sometimes we talk to her like friends lah. (: which is really nice, actually.

yeah, see cos if you do the stuff at home and if you face a problem.. it'd be a bit difficult to get help, unless of course someone at home knows how to do lah.

but for example, noone at home knows.. your next choice would be to call up a friend. and sometimes certain stuff is just so hard to expain over the phone! many times you don't even know what something is called.. imagine the conversation!

"hello.. ehh! you know arh. that thing.. the dreamweaver one. how to do ahh?"

"huh? which one?"

"aiyahh you know. the one at the left side one. then the button thing look like some funny shape.. then press already do what?"

"what funny shape? all like funny leh.. which one you mean?"

like, i think that would just make you more confused right!! ahhaah so nonsense. but if you're in tutorial, even if you don't know what something is called you can just point to your screen and your tutor can expain to you directly. ((:

yupps well. ((: gonna sleep now. (: going to donate blood tmr!! woohooo!! =DDD excited. heheh.. rights now people, rmb to study hard for cip! (: hee not forgetting OB which i just love so much as well. ((:

2005-12-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel that school's such a drag. wells sorry to those lecturers and tutors who really try hard to make lessons interesting and all, but right now, i'd say whatever.

i mean, really. it's just.. argh. i don't know. yes, i appreciate even being able to study, and yes, i'm really blessed to be able to go to school and all, but sigh lah! it's freakin' tiring you know.

or maybe i just chose the wrong course?

maybe i should have like chosen mass comm or the like. freakin' shit i just hate math. yeah if business studies was all OB, BMGT, CIP and BCA, i'd be fine man.

omg math can just suck shit. =(

oh well. goodnight.

bok is abit depressed at the moment.

2005-11-30T00:16:00.000-08:00

right, so.. today we had cip lecture and cip workshop cum tutorial. i must say it was all quite fun. frankly, i think that cip is indeed more engaging and interesting as compared to subjects such as econs and poa.

okayy so that's just my personal point of view. but hey, everyone and everything's entitled to my opinion! hee. (:

i do admit that learning and being equipped with the full knowledge of poa and econs is going to be very important when i start working next time; unless of course i choose to do something totally unrelated to what i'm studying now..

it's just that, i've never been a very math person.. and anyway, i feel that.. we actually don't need to know every single detail about poa to put it into use..

bca and cip, on the other hand, would benefit me so much more. right i hope i dont get sued for this post. once again i emphasize that whatever i'm saying here is just my personal point of view. if you don't agree, it's okay. (:

so yeah. it's just how i feel that cip's more useful. and it is indeed much more interesting! imagine if you had to learn how to maximise the use of MSpowerpoint all by yourself.

sure, you could buy like, a book or something. but with noone to explain to you what you don't fully understand, it's so difficult! see now, we have the help of our tutors and lecturers, explaining the "more complicating" parts.

that in inself, i feel, is already such a blessing. right, okays.. i think i've rambled on enough about what i feel. (: let me move on to what we did today in cip. ((:

in cip workshop cum tutorial today, we were allowed to use the time to do our pbl. ((: i feel that having a time slot allocated to us like that is really useful, cos many times, we are often busy with tutorials and other projects, and we also need time to revise on our work!

so, we took the time to work dilligently on our project, asking our kind and nice tutor for help when we needed it, and we searched the internet for more information as well.

oh wells. they're closing the lab now. like wth so early. HAHAHAH oops. (: dont sue me! yeah yeah.. i'll continue at home k! ((:

2005-11-25T04:54:00.000-08:00

yayy CIP's the most wonderful and beneficial thing i've studied in a long while. who knew how useful MSpowerpoint and MSword could get.

yah. CIP doesn't only benefit me now, when projects are coming in like a torrentous flood, but also in future when i go out to work.

presentations, reports.. with CIP i can learn to make them look so much more professional, which will give my tutors and lecturers, and also future bosses a good impression. (:

not forgetting BCA last sem, which was great too. learning about MSexcel was really good too. spreadsheets and all.. it's all just so useful.

(: i'm thankful for school man. we get to learn all this stuff now, preparing us both directly and indirectly for working life in the near future.

i mean, projects and tutorials might take up alot of my time, leaving me with almost no life. but that isn't the point. the point is we get to learn.

and for me, i'd much rather learn it all the easy way now, rather than get reprimanded and whatever by superiors next time when i start working.

((: okayys, off to sleep now!

2005-11-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

yayy me. i made my blog. how smart. yeah yeah. CIP's so fun i could study it my whole life. whee.